John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 2, 2025 Edition

Trump & Zelensky Clash Over War

What was supposed to be an opening toward ending the war between Ukraine and Russia took an unexpected turn at a White House meeting between President Trump and Ukraine President Zelensky. After giving verbal assurances that he would sign a minerals deal with the United States, Zelensky refused to sign unless he was given more military aid.

Trump bristled at this demand, saying "I am trying to end this war not enlarge it. No matter how many weapons you have, you can't win this war. Millions have already died. Thousands more are being killed every week. You lack the manpower to field an effective fighting force."

"I would have an effective fighting force if US troops were sent along with the weapons," Zelensky contended. "It was the combined forces of the Allies who won the war against the Nazis. Why wouldn't the combined forces of Ukraine and NATO win the war against Russia?"

"Because we're not going to send US troops to fight in this war," Trump explained. "While your country has already suffered major damage it would suffer far more from an expanded war. Sending US troops into this war is something I won't do. I don't want to see a World War III. The kind of weapons all sides have today are far more destructive than the weapons used in WWII. It is not as if we'd be defending democracy from dictatorship. You canceled elections in your country and outlawed your political opponents. What would we be fighting for?"

"I will go over your head," Zelensky threatened. "Your Constitution says it is Congress that decides if you go to war. I have many friends in your Congress--both Democrats and Republicans--who have steadfastly supported our war against Russia. They gave us the billions that enabled us to last this long. They will give us the billions more needed to finish the job. I will go on your TV and speak directly to the American people who believe that we represent the forces of democracy versus evil. I will sue in the same courts that are reversing the other cuts in spending you are trying to force onto the backs of the American people. We will see who comes out on top."

Following the collapse of the peace initiative, Ukrainian Member of Parliament Oleksandr Dibinsky called for Zelensky's impeachment, saying "enough is enough. Even if Zelensky does get NATO to join the war we will end up worse off than if we negotiate a peace now. Remember, the help Poland got from the west in WWII didn't result in freedom for their country. Their land became a battleground during the war. After the war they were oppressed by 40 years of communism. The mineral deal with America would give Russia a reason to leave us alone so we can keep what's left of our country."

Opinions Divided on Trump/Zelensky Disagrement

Senator Adam Schiff (D-Calif) declared that "millions of Americans are downright ashamed of the way Trump treated President Zelensky. In a complete reversal of former President Biden's successful something for nothing approach to dealing with Ukraine, Trump has suddenly insisted on a quid pro quo minerals deal in exchange for peace. This is no way to treat an ally who is fighting for the kind of democracy we Democrats tried to give to America in the last election."

Rep. Mike Quigley (R-IL) agreed with Schiff, saying "what Trump doesn't understand is that Putin doesn't just want to conquer Ukraine. He wants to conquer the world. These last three years Ukraine has been fighting our war with just a few table scraps of support from us. Every European leader I have spoken to agrees that America has to step up and crush this existential threat to their independence. Instead, Trump has selfishly insisted that Europe must defend itself. I shudder to think of what would've happened in WWII if FDR had that same attitude."

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC), previously a big supporter of Ukraine, called for President Zelensky to resign, saying "the mineral deal was a key step toward peace. The profits from this development would be a big aid to reconstructing Ukraine after the horrendous devastation this war has brought to the country. That President Zelensky has rejected this way out and urged a wider war--possibly WWIII--demonstrates a serious detachment from reality. On top of this, his refusal to hold elections seems to disprove contentions that he is fighting for democracy. The United States has been in some serious wars--the Civil War in the 1860s and WWII in the 1940s. In neither case did we cancel elections. Perhaps our earlier generosity toward Ukraine has convinced President Zelensky that we are easy to swindle."

DOJ's "Toxic Work Environment"

Long-time Department of Justice (DOJ) employee Joshua Stueve sent his letter of resignation citing "an unbearably toxic work environment" as the reason. "The last four years under President Biden's leadership were the best of my illustrious career at the DOJ. I felt a common bond with my colleagues working to protect the nation from the predatory intentions of Donald Trump. Sadly, those efforts failed when Trump seized power in the November election. Still, I hoped I could continue that effort from inside the belly of the beast, but the relentless demand to report on my activities every week--what I did and why--was the last straw."

"As one of DOJ's public spokespersons I enjoyed announcing and defending each new indictment DOJ filed against Trump," Stueve nostalgically recalled. "Trump's indictment for mishandling classified documents was my favorite. Never before has such a high-ranking government official so blatantly endangered the nation's security. The very idea that classified files could be safely stored in an ex-presidents home was utterly irresponsible. The attempt to overturn his landslide loss to Joe Biden in the 2020 election and instigation of an insurrection was clownish, but deadly. We thought we had enough evidence to put Trump in prison for the rest of his life, but the inevitable slowness of the wheels of justice in our courts postponed decisive action too long."

"Though I have served under previous presidents of both parties, none of them came into office with the idea of dismantling so much of the important functions of the government," Stueve lamented. "Now we have a previously unheard of Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) second-guessing everything the government has done since the New Deal, questioning every expansion and every expenditure, every new hire. This is not the kind of America I want to live in."

Presidential advisor Elon Musk praised Stueve's resignation, calling it "a most appropriate action toward our goal of improving the efficiency and effectiveness of the federal government. The DOJ's lawfare against a political opponent is not a legitimate government function. Taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for that kind of abuse of power. The habits and behaviors that have accreted like barnacles on the ship of state for generations need to be removed one way or another. Self-removals like Mr. Stueve's are less painful than involuntary removals. He has finally done the taxpayers a good deed."

Vance & Starmer Debate Free Speech

At a meeting in the White House, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer took the opportunity to chide Vice-President JD Vance for his remarks about the suppression of free speech in Europe, saying "you know we have had free speech longer than America has. I could even say Americans got the idea from us. But we feel we must draw the line somewhere. We can't let people say whatever they wish whenever they wish."

"Well, earlier this week you had a man arrested for posting his opinions against policies that favor LGBTQ," Vance pointed out. "How is that not suppression of free speech?"

"Those remarks caused someone else anxiety," Starmer explained. "We judged this a malicious communication. Furthermore while the culprit was being taken into custody another person who was observed to be recording the event was also taken into custody for obstructing an arrest."

"That is hardly reassuring," Vance commented. "It seems that your country any anxious person can now have someone arrested for saying anything that upsets him. And how does someone recording an arrest obstruct it?"

"Need I remind you that in your country there have been several mass shootings carried out by transexuals?" the Prime Minister said. "On top of that we have a large minority of hypersensitive Muslims who believe it is their obligation to kill anyone who insults their religion. Better to suffer the milder punishments we impose than risk even more terrible outcomes that the mentally deranged would inflict."

Rebellion Against Bezos

Washington Post owner Jeff Bezos' explained his decision to have his paper's editorial pages "shift toward defending the two pillars of a free society: personal liberties and free markets," saying "a big part of America's success has been freedom in the economic realm and everywhere else. Freedom is ethical — it minimizes coercion — and practical — it drives creativity, invention, and prosperity. I'm confident that free markets and personal liberties are right for America. I also believe these viewpoints are underserved in the current market of ideas and news opinion. I'm excited for us to fill that void."

Opinion Editor David Shipley chose to resign rather than embrace his boss' "turn away from progressive values. Free markets and free speech are the values this newspaper has opposed during the time I've worked here and the many decades before I got here. The essence of progressivism is that freedom allows the strong to dominate the weak. That's why the government must play a larger role in controlling society. This includes making decisions for the vast majority of people incompetent to make them for themselves, redistributing the wealth from those who have created it to those who need it, and promoting collective unity over selfish individualism. Since I can no longer support the progressive cause here I need to move on to a job where I can."

Other Post staffers expressed their "outrage at this vicious right turn toward fascism. We agree with the President of the European Commission Ursula von der Leyen that freedom of speech is a virus! And censorship is a vaccine immunizing society against unacceptable information. That is what we have been doing at the Post and will continue to do whenever we can when Bezos isn't paying attention."

"Trump Admin Will Collapse Within 30 Days "

Democrat political genius James Carville predicted that "the Trump Administration is collapsing right now. We're in the midst of a collapse. I've never been mistaken." Fact check: Carville predicted Kamala Harris would defeat Trump for the presidency last November.

Sen. Patty Murray (D-Wash) said "billionaire Elon Musk and President Trump are proving every single day they do not know what they are doing. They are cutting expenditures that experts have declared are vital to our national interests. They are firing employees who lifetime employment rights have been guaranteed. They will soon have a mutiny on their hands."

Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn) went on "The View" and told co-host Sunny Hostin "voters have remorse over President Donald Trump. Costs are going up for common folks while Trump and Musk are giving tax cuts to their rich friends." "I hadn't heard about a tax cut," Hostin said. "I'm kind of rich and I'd like a tax cut. What bill should I support?" "I didn't say there was a tax cut bill," the Senator replied. "Saying they are giving tax cuts to their rich friends is just a talking point we use to try to convince voters to support Democrats."

Despite these dire predictions, a recent Harvard-Harris poll found strong support for what the Trump Administration has done so far. Eighty-one percent support deporting immigrants who are here illegally and have committed crimes. Seventy-six percent support closing the border. Seventy-six percent support the effort to find and eliminate fraud and waste in government expenditures. Sixty-nine percent support banning men from competing in girls' sports. Sixty-five percent support eliminating all preferences by race in the hiring and awarding of government contracts. Sixty-three percent support freezing and re-evaluating all foreign aid expenditures and the department that handled them. Sixty-one percent support reciprocal tariffs on countries that have tariffs on US goods. Fifty-nine percent support cutting government expenditures that were already allocated by Congress. Fifty-seven percent support ending bans on offshore drilling in Alaska and elsewhere. The only thing they don't support is renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America.

Aside from these poll results, illegal border crossings from Mexico have dropped from the tens of thousands per week under Biden to less than 1,000 under Trump. Mexico has extradited 29 cartel bosses to the United States for prosecution. Cartel criminal activity near the US-Mexico border has declined substantially. In Tijuana car burning has vanished. Roads are no longer blocked. Machine-gun shootouts have stopped. Bodies aren't splattered across the pavements. Shakedowns have ceased. No innocent Mexican citizens are being chased across the border into the US as cartels burn their homes. Mexican kids aren't being kidnapped and trafficked into the US.

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