John Semmens

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

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SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE: March 16, 2025 Edition

"Trump Provoking Civil War"

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif) warned "Trump is provoking the folks who depend on the government taking care of them to rise up and strike back. By breaking the covenant between them and the government they've relied on their whole lives he's put them in a desperate situation where their only option is to fight back."

"Just think of the single moms who need money to take care of their children," Waters urged. "The retirees waiting for their Social Security checks to put food on the table. The government employees who depend on their paychecks to support themselves and their families. All of these dispossessed people will rise up to overthrow the tyranny that has cut off the flow of money they expect. It will be like a second civil war."

President Trump rejected Waters' dire predicted and explained "our country has to transition from the road to bankruptcy to the road to prosperity. The federal government has $143 trillion worth of financial obligations. This amounts to more than a million dollars per household. The only sane way out of this predicament is to grow our way out. To do this we must stop the waste, fraud, and abuse that is siphoning away federal revenue. We must also stop spending money on frills we cannot afford."

"This means that employees in government agencies determined to be unnecessary or in numbers deemed to be in excess of what is required to perform required functions have to be taken off the payroll," Trump argued. "They will need to find jobs in the private sector that produce products and services that consumers are willing to buy. Contracts that are being paid by the government for products and services that are not useful will be terminated. Wealth that is currently expended by the government on non-productive activities will be left in the hands of those individuals and businesses where it can generate more prosperity."

"Rather than agitating for some sort of civil uprising Congresswoman Waters ought to be urging her constituents to do their part to save the country from bankruptcy," Trump advised. "Overthrowing the government is harder and more dangerous than getting a job and working for a private business that is serving customers. Contributing to the production of wealth is more useful to society than just consuming the wealth produced by others."

Black Caucus Members Oppose CR

Members of the Congressional Black Caucus spoke out against the Continuing Resolution that would allow the government to stay open until September 2025.

Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) asserted "we're facing a hostile government takeover and @SenateDems can do something about it. The Trump-Musk spending bill will make our constituents who are unable or unwilling to support themselves hungrier, sicker, and poorer. Listen to your constituents. Do not cede your leverage. Hold the line."

Rep. Jasmine Crockett (D-Tex) said "I stand by the NO vote on the blank check for Trump & Elon. I've got no explanation nor agreement with Senate Dems being complicit in Trump's Tyranny. Shutting down the government will stop his power grab."

Sen. Lisa Blunt Rochester (D-Del) said "Democrats got a dirty deal from Republicans. Voting NO is how we save our democracy by defunding Musk's budget axe."

Sen. Raphael Warnock (D-Ga) said "Republicans gave Democrats an ultimatum that would either do great damage or force the government to shut down. Both of those options are terrible. I cannot support a partisan bill that gives this president who is clearly engaged in an unprecedented power grab even more power to exact more damage as he chooses what he wants to fund and what he does not "

Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) complained "this Continuing Resolution gives Trump and Musk six months to do some pretty awful things. We've already seen they're willing to cut funding needed for vital purposes. It literally gives them a license to continue to destroy essential programs. There is so much bad stuff baked into this."

Sen. Angela Alsobrooks (D-Md) said "voting for the Continuing Resolution would be a direct contradiction to my mandate to fight for my constituents. It will allow for a continued witch hunt against our patriotic civil servants who tirelessly toil for the general welfare of Americans. We have a unique opportunity at this moment to pass a clean, bipartisan funding bill that would address some of these concerns and mistakes."

Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer (D-NY), target of barbs from fellow Democrats "for capitulating to Hitler," defended his support of the Continuing Resolution as "the lesser of evils. Much as I hate giving those bastards six months to wreak havoc, the risk of having the government shutdown could be harmful to our key argument that bigger government is better government. Polls already show a super-majority of voters approve of what Trump and Musk have been doing. Six-months of a government shutdown without seeing the country fall apart could be a fatal blow to the future of the Democratic Party."

Hearing the wailing of the Democrats, Elon Musk wryly observed "what kind of a tyrant seeks to cut his budget, shrink the number of people he commands, and free citizens from excessive burdens and oppression?"

In related news, Trump's 2017 tax cuts are set to expire on December 31 of this year. A recent McLaughlin poll showed that 64% of voters support extending these tax cuts while only 21% oppose extending them. If the cuts are allowed to expire 73% of voters think jobs will be lost, prices will go up, and businesses will be closed.

Is Vandalism & Violence Against Tesla Justified?

Over the past few months attacks against Tesla charging stations and dealerships have started to increase in frequency. In Tigard, Oregon a Tesla dealership has been repeatedly fired upon. In Lynnwood, a suburb of Seattle, Washington a Tesla dealership reported that six Cybertrucks were were spray-painted with swastikas and profanity directed at CEO Elon Musk. President Trump labeled these attacks "terrorism."

Over on MSNBC Prime, host Alicia Menendez called these attacks "protests" and wondered whether "calling it domestic terrorism is an infringement on First Amendment freedom of speech, assembly, and airing of grievances. Seeing how Mr. Musk has angered so many by recommending drastic cuts in federal spending he's got to expect some blow back."

Trump rejected the notion that "these attacks on a business could ever qualify as legitimate freedom of speech. The First Amendment protects peaceful protests. If people want to criticize Elon or the Tesla cars they have the right to make speeches, write letters, post comments on websites, assemble in public places without blocking traffic, or sue him in court. They don't have the right to burn charging stations, fire bullets at him or his business partners, or damage property. They don't have the right to do any of these violent things against any business or any person. Anyone who does these violent things is breaking the law and will be prosecuted and punished if caught and convicted."

In related news, Attorney General Pam Bondi announced that "a 42-year-old transgender person named Lucy Grace Nelson (AKA Justin Thomas Nelson) who is accused of throwing a Molotov cocktail (a gasoline bomb in a bottle) into a Tesla showroom at a dealership in Loveland, Northern Colorado has been arrested and faces up to 20 years in prison for this dangerous act of violence."

European Commission to "Repurpose Citizens' Savings"

European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen is eyeing the vast $10 trillion that European citizens have squirreled away in low yield savings accounts and lamenting "that these funds aren't more productively used. At best, if this money is simply left where the savers put it all that will be accomplished is that it will ultimately be squandered on frivolous junk, unnecessary vacations, and more comfortable retirements."

"If we were to instead invest this money on a greatly expanded European military force just imagine what marvels we could achieve," she envisioned. "By spending these trillions on weapons we could free ourselves from having to rely on American weapons manufacturers and become exporters to the under-armed armies of the rest of the world. And Europe itself would gain parity with America's military might. We could counter the Russian threat without having to accommodate America's interests."

French Member of the European Parliament Virginie Joron was not as enthusiastic as von der Leyen about diverting savers' money to this purpose, saying "between President von der Leyen previous endorsement of suppressing free speech and this lurch toward grandiose militarization I can't imagine we are on the road to a better future. The European Union's obsessions with bizarre, ideologically driven projects—$4.5 million to monitor disinformation in Kazakhstan, $47,000 for a transgender opera in Colombia, $32,000 for a transgender comic strip in Peru, and $2 million for sex changes in Guatemala--does not instill confidence that our leaders know what they are doing."

Joron went on to compare European leaders to US President Trump "who has accomplished more for his people in two months than they have Europeans in 50 years. While EU elites drown in mountains of paper, producing meaningless policies, Trump made real changes—banning child mutilation, reinstating military personnel unjustly dismissed over COVID mandates, and cutting off taxpayer funding to globalist pet projects. He is moving his country toward more freedom and prosperity while our leaders are heading in the opposite direction."

Von der Leyen characterized of Joron's remarks as "a distressing demonstration of lack of unity from a person entrusted to sit in our Parliament. Clearly, we must look to stronger methods for inducing more loyalty from our underlings in the government. To me, her intemperate disagreement emphasizes the wisdom of my suggestion to invest in a stronger military role for the European Union."

Weird SBA Loans

During its audit of the Small Business Administration (SBA) the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) discovered that during the 2020-2021 fiscal year the SBA made 5,593 loans totaling $312 million to business-owners who, according to their Social Security numbers, were recorded as 11 years old and younger. This amounted to an average loan per borrower of more than $55,000. The SBA also made 3,095 loans totaling $333 million to business-owners who, according to their Social Security numbers, were recorded as 115 years old and older. This amounted to an average loan per borrower of more than $107,000.

If this money actually was distributed to children and the extremely elderly the loans would appear to be extraordinarily imprudent. If this money was distributed to persons other than indicated by the Social Security numbers it was fraud. Should we believe Democrats who insist that the cuts recommended by DOGE's research will, as Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) claims "destroy essential programs," or as Rep. Ayanna Pressley (D-Mass) fears "lead to a hungrier, sicker, and poorer population." Or should we believe the assessment of DOGE leader Elon Musk that "cutting out this kind of fraud is a necessary step if America is to avoid bankruptcy?"

In related news, the Department of Housing and Urban Development has wasting lots of money on software licenses. Each year they have paid for 11,020 Acrobat licenses they don't use, 35,855 ServiceNow licenses--only 84 of which they use, 1,776 Cognos licenses--only 325 of which they use, 800 WestLaw Classic licenses--only 216 of which they use, 10,000 Java licenses--only 400 of which they use. "These are a few examples of the vast numbers of unused software licenses in every part of the government," Musk said. "This kind of repeated waste of federal funds demonstrates both an astounding indifference toward taxpayers and a degree of laziness and sloth that can only persist in organizations that don't have to earn their income."

Rubio Cancels 83% of USAID Programs

Secretary of State Marco Rubio announced the cancellation of 5,200 programs that the United States Agency for International Development (USAID) had been supporting before it was put under his jurisdiction, saying "these programs spent tens of billions of dollars in ways that did not serve, and in some cases even harmed, the core national interests of the United States. The remaining 1,000 or so programs that will be continued will be more effectively administered by the Department of State."

"I want to thank DOGE and our hardworking staff who worked very long hours to achieve this overdue and historic reform," the Secretary added. "This will reduce federal spending by an estimated $58 billion per year."

Republican strategist Karl Rove predicted "these cuts will backfire on Trump and his allies. The constituency for more spending is powerful and enduring. Both James Carville and I agree that voters may be cheering for hacking away at government waste, fraud, and abuse now, but over time we're confident we can persuade them that government knows best. We will revive their interest in getting their piece of the pork and convince them that getting a tax refund is their fair share of it. Fat and happy, their attention will wander to other fads and crazes. Meanwhile, Trump will be term-limited out of office or die. The style of government where Democrats and Republicans work cooperatively to rule the country, will push aside the ephemeral influence of the Make America Great Again crowd and restore the stable unified rule that prevailed before Trump stuck his nose in where it didn't belong."

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